


Lies that kill the soul

by dinglemingle



Series: Ballum Week 2020 [1]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, ballum week 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:20:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24598147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinglemingle/pseuds/dinglemingle
Summary: After their first time in the park,Ben hopes maybe things will be different and Callum struggles with his demons.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Ballum Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1779100
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	Lies that kill the soul

**Author's Note:**

> First fic of ballum week! The prompt was missing scene so I chose directly after their first time and although we got the scene the next day I would have loved to see the same evening. 
> 
> This is only short as I struggle writing long scenes.  
> Lots of angsty Callum and comforting Ben! Enjoy!

The pale light of the moon reflected on the two men,their flushed cheeks and messy hair the only evidence of what they'd done in the shadows. 

Ben pulled his jacket on,and let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. He looked at the man before him ,who in this light looked more like a boy,soft and vulnerable

"You alright?" he asked tentatively

"Yeah I'm fine" Callum mumbled,running a hand through his now tousled hair

"I've got to go,Whit will be wondering where I am" he looked down at the ground,shame pulsing through his body, unable to look at his dirty little secret.

Ben scoffed as Callum hastily turned to walk away

"So is this it? You just gonna go back to her like nothing happened? Keep lying to her about who you really are?" Ben called after the man,who had stopped dead in his tracks

Callum spun round,darting at Ben with fierce intent

"Who I really am? You don't a thing about me" Callum was in his face now,his hot breath burning into his Ben's skin

Ben studied the older man,who's eyes were like sharp,steely daggers

"I'm straight,and I love whit"

"We just had sex Callum, last time I checked you don't get hot and heavy with a bloke if you're straight" 

Ben stood staring,he didn't know what he'd expected from Callum but he thought maybe things might have changed considering what they'd done

"Shut up" in the dark of night the words echoed and hit Ben even harder, he'd seen Callum angry before, but this was something else, something buried deep inside

"You like men,you can't deny it forever" he moved toward Callum,his hand gently outstretched, hoping to break through to the fragile man before him

Callum slapped his hand away "I can cause I'm not like you" he paused snapping his head round to look at Ben "I'm not one of them." 

Callum's words were laced with spite and years of oppression. The self hatred burned inside him, bubbling to the surface as he locked eyes with the man he so desperately craved.

"One of them? wow" Ben raised his eyebrows and struggled to hide the amusement in his voice, Callum was a joke.

Looking at his phone Ben contemplated leaving,he'd had enough of Callum. It wasn't his job to help him come to terms with his sexuality, he wasn't some gay fairy godmother,and besides,he could easily find some other hot date for the evening.

His thoughts were disturbed by Callum's hoarse tone

"I don't wanna be gay" Callum choked out, sitting on a damp bench next to him

Ben was taken aback by Callum's tone,he sounded weak. Suddenly all thoughts of finding another hook up vanished,and Ben was sitting next to Callum, gazing at the man with worry

"There's nothing wrong with it,Callum it's not some curse or disease" Ben tried to reassure him,not wanting him to suffer

"No,you don't get I can't be gay,It's not me" His voice was strangled and barley audible, despite the quite of the night

"Right so your just gonna pretend for the rest of your life,deny yourself of happiness and love? And what about Whitney? It's not fair to force that upon her too." Ben wasn't Whitney's biggest fan,but he knew she didn't deserve to be Callum's beard

"But I love Whitney, I'm happy with her. She's what I want." Callum buried his head in his hands, forcing himself to believe the words he wished were true

Ben wanted to shake Callum, make him see that he no matter how much he said it, didn't mean it was true. Force him to to accept himself,but he knew he couldn't, he'd have to let Callum go through the motions,and pray he'd see sense

"Okay, maybe you do love her,but is it in the way you should love your girlfriend? Or more like the way I love Lola." Ben was careful,he didn't want Callum to have another outburst

Slowly tilting his head up, Callum's glistening,wet eyes met Ben's deep, concerned ones. The pair just looked at eachother deeply, before Callum looked away. He had answered the question without saying anything, the truth was written all over his face,no matter how much he wished it wasn't.

"And what about when you're with her,do you actually feel anything? Ben pushed for more,he knew he shouldn't, but he selfishly wanted to know how he compared to her

For a while Callum didn't speak, just fixated on a tree in the distance, Ben accepted that he'd gone to far and went to speak, before Callum's bleak tone interrupted

"I feel empty." His voice matched the words, the hollowness drifting from Callum into Ben

"And then when it's over, I lie there with her in my arms and I feel nothing" he continued,pain and torture releasing itself

Ben couldn't help but want to pull Callum into his arms and take all the hurt away

"I feel nothing Ben" his gaze finally shifted from the tree and onto Ben's face. This time his words came out as a cry and without warning he collapsed into Ben's chest,a sobbing mess

They sat in silence for a while, minutes feeling like hours,as Callum sniffled into Ben's shirt. Ben stroked the older man's back and played with his hair, wanting the broken man curled into his chest to be peaceful and content.

In the night,with no one there to distract them,Ben felt like right here in this moment they were the only people on earth,he forgot about everyone else,Callum in his arms was all that mattered.

"It's okay, you'll be okay" Ben broke the silence,pressing a soft kiss to Callum's forehead

Then slowly the crumpled heap rose from his chest and sat upright. Callum's features were soft,he looked comfortable and like he was going to say something, something kind and sincere

The phone in his pocket had other ideas, lighting up with a text

_**Hey babe,where r u? I'm going home,love u xx-Whit** _

Callum peered at the text,and then his lockscreen,a picture of him and Whit,him kissing her cheek,her grin from ear to ear,the look of love in her eyes. He sighed, knowing he couldn't break her heart.

Standing up,he wiped the damp from his jeans and looked at Ben, knowing what he had to do

"This changes nothing" he saw Ben's face drop as he spoke the cruel words

"What" Ben stood up, confused,he thought Callum opening up meant something

"I'm straight,Whit's the one,and this" He flippantly gestured his hand between them "This meant nothing" Callum took one last look at the man in front of him before trying to turn

Ben grasped his arm before he had the chance,and spun him around aggressively. Their eyes met, Callum's still pained and full of longing

Ben stared intently, before opening his mouth

"You know the longer you run,the longer you live in denial,the worse it'll get. It will eat at you,until eventually it will destroy you completely,and that's when it'll kill you."

With that and one last glare,Ben shoved past Callum and disappeared into the night,leaving the older man alone in the crisp air,feelings of emptiness still lingering deep inside.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed,thanks for reading.All feedback is welcomed. My tumblr is @dinglemingle for more Ballum content!


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